Before I begin: thank you so much for the follows and likes and comments from you all since I’ve started this, I appreciate that you care at least a little bit about my life 🙂
TL;DR at bottom!
Short(ish) blog (lol not really now that I’m reading back and editing it), but need to get this out so I can do this reflection paper for one of my classes the way it needs to be done. I believe feelings show up in writing whether you want them to or not and the last thing I need is my professor counting me off for something minor like that because she counts off for the silliest crap, I swear.
Anyways.
One of the problems with being in a LDR (long distance relationship) is that you have to trust your partner. A lot. As in, you literally have to take their word for how things are going because you aren’t there yourself to see things unfold and you have to trust that they are being faithful to you and the relationship. Seeing as how I walked into my relationship with Matt with horrible trust issues thanks to past events, this is almost like a nightmare of a scenario for me. It’s a delicate game I play because on one hand, I want to trust him completely and he hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him, but at the same time, I can’t find it within me to completely and wholly trust him…at least not right now. I feel terrible for typing that, but it’s the reality of the world I live in and I choose to own it.
God bless him, he’s extremely patient and reassuring when he sees that I’m feeling insecure (which I try to hide from him because not his problem, mine) and not to mention, since he’s been cheated on in the past, he knows the pain that it can bring and I know him well enough to know it would never even cross his mind. Recently, things have happened such as students bringing him food (packaged cookies from one of the girls in his lab section during his office hours) and another announcing that she was going to start bringing him dinner whenever he runs his lab section, which is twice a week at night, because he mentioned to some of them that he doesn’t take time to eat before going to teach. She even began quizzing him about what fast food joints he likes so that she can start making plans to, I suppose, go through with it.
I have to be honest. This all got me really upset. Like bad.
I talked to Matt about the girl bringing him dinner first (because that event happened first), but I approached it from the point of view of his job. As in, “it will not look good on you if other students or other TAs saw you taking food from a student so please be careful if she actually starts to go through with those plans”. He must’ve thought that somewhere in there was a hint of insecurity (yep) and when he told me about the cookies via text about two days later, he assured me that nothing was happening, it was just a student bringing him some Chips Ahoy in a prepackaged cup. According to him, they’re all dating people so there’s nothing to worry about there.
As if being in a relationship stops people from doing things, but that’s another rant for another blog post.
Last night, Matt informs me that one of his students, a girl named Megan, has said that he better attend her graduation next year to see her walk (or whatever they do here at this university) or else she’ll drag him there. As innocent as that sounds, it doesn’t FEEL innocent. Maybe I’m overreacting, maybe I’m insane and I’m just overthinking crap, but oh my God, that grated on me, I cannot tell you. I made my reply sound as neutral as possible, made a joke that she doesn’t have to worry because I’ll be graduating when she does so he’ll be there and we moved onto a new topic. Granted, she’s a long term student (I assume from last semester, Matt’s only been a TA since last semester), but still…ugh. I don’t know what to think.
This is one of those moments where I really question myself, the trust factor I have in Matt, my resolve to grit my teeth and deal with it when things like this pop up. This is where I wonder what’s wrong with me, why can’t I just let crap go, is every little thing a girl does toward him up for psychoanalysis. Because I quite honestly don’t have time for that and it’s so taxing on the mind and emotions and I have bigger fish to fry here.
Will I talk to Matt about what’s going on in my head? Maybe. I am spending this coming weekend with him and this is a conversation I would rather have with him in person. But maybe I won’t. I don’t know yet…for now, back to doing my assignment.
TL;DR: Girls are seemingly paying extra special attention to my boyfriend. I don’t know what to think. Comments would be nice, if you feel like you have something to say!
themuseofakitkat 